I remember having a conversation with my father over the telephone one Sunday afternoon, during which I jokingly chided him for accidentally letting slip that my older sister was expecting a baby. No one was supposed to know yet, but he had told me all about it earlier that week. “Don’t worry,” I said, “I forgive you for spilling the beans.”
His reply?
“I’m not sorry. I didn’t know I was supposed to keep it a secret.”
He was so matter of fact. And—by definition—unapologetic.
He then said, “People are always making up things to apologize for. There are already enough things in my life that I need to apologize for . . . why should I go around inventing new ones?”
I’ve always remembered that and taken it as good advice.
On Saturday I went hiking with a group of friends, and during our drive up the canyon this topic came up again. One of my friends declared that she “apologizes way too much,” and then, ironically, apologized for apologizing! But this probably isn’t anything new to you. Either you’ve noticed you have this same problem, or you associate with someone who does.
So, what’s the deal? Is it a gender thing (some people suggest that women tend to apologize more frequently than men do)? Will it cause relationship or workplace problems? Does it suggest weakness or inferiority? Or is it just the polite thing to do? Should we all be over-apologizing?
It’s true in our society that when you have caused another harm, pain, or even inconvenience, the civil thing to do is to issue a heartfelt apology. An, “I’m so sorry” can also convey sympathy when a tragedy occurs, and means that you are sorry that someone has to experience something unpleasant.
Simple, right? But many of us find ourselves apologizing for situations that are completely out of our control or that don’t actually do any harm, i.e. someone bumping into us at the grocery store (I was probably in the way), taking an extra minute to order your food (I’m making everyone else wait, they probably hate me), or losing your internet connection in the middle of a Skype sesh (maybe I could have prevented that . . . somehow). Sometimes I overhear people prefacing completely reasonable requests with, “I’m so sorry to ask, but could you . . .” or “I’m sorry to bother you, but . . .”
It’s been suggested that some of the reasons people over-apologize are:
- Fear of conflict. Women are often more concerned with keeping the peace and creating harmony, and they dislike situations that feel confrontational, so they use an apology as a buffer that will help everyone get along. But plenty of men have the same fear of social conflict and often use this as a tactic too.
- Upbringing. Often the children of parents who teach their kids to take responsibility for any problems or issues that arise, regardless of actual responsibility, become over-apologizers later in life. Parents likewise often teach their children that apologizing is just a form of politeness.
- Past abuse. Victims of abuse (emotional or otherwise) can over-apologize due to guilt from past experiences, or fear of making others angry.
- Habit. Somewhere along the way you picked up on saying “I’m sorry” in every benign situation, and now you do it completely thoughtlessly.
But is saying “sorry” too much such a bad thing? To quote Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist with over twenty-five years in the industry and the author of The Power of Apology:
“While apologizing humbles us and lets the other person know that we are no longer a threat to them, there is such a thing as being ‘too humble,’ especially at work,” Engel advises.
If you find yourself saying “sorry” a lot in the workplace, coworkers and bosses might begin losing respect for you and your work; and what’s worse, they might start to take advantage of your perceived weakness. This sort of thing can certainly happen outside of the office too. Being overly apologetic sends the message to everyone that you’re ineffectual and have low self-esteem, which can be a dangerous thing. “It can give a certain kind of person permission to treat you poorly, or even abuse you,” Engel warns.
But, don’t worry! There is help for those of you who suffer from this problem!
Here are some ways to battle the habit of over-apologizing. The key is to take small steps at first. Give yourself the proper amount of time to change, because this isn’t a habit you can break in one day.
- Keep track of how many times you find yourself apologizing.
- If you can’t altogether stop yourself from saying it, make a point of only saying it once, then move on.
- Try counting to three before you apologize, and think, “Do I really need to apologize? Did I really do anything wrong or am I just apologizing because I’m afraid someone is going to reject me or get angry with me?” Forcing a reason why—and then struggling to come up with something rational—emphasizes how irrational the behavior really is, and that makes the practice easier to abandon.
Read this article for more discussion on the topic.
Well, there you go. I would say sorry that this post was so long . . . but I won't!
Hope you all have a fabulous week!
-Maranda
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