As we all start the year 2014, I feel the need to address change and progress. Now, I know that the lastthings anyone wants to read about are New Years’ resolutions, so I will avoid that terminology with every ounce of discipline I can muster, and I’ll try to discuss this topic from a new perspective.
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| Looking at our past gives us the information we need to move forward. |
I took a very good class during my time at BYU, which was technically a marriage preparation class (I know, I know; try not to roll your eyes), but from which I had many great takeaways that have use and importance in my life right now (as a single woman age 28).
One of the topics we discussed in M.P. was called “Family of Origin”. Your family of origin is, simply put, the family you grew up in. A basic example would be your parents and siblings, but many of us will also have a step-parent, a grandparent, or half- or step-siblings included in that picture. It is a simple concept that everyone can understand, but its effects are so far-reaching and interwoven into who you are and what you will become, that knowing about it can really empower you. Let me explain:
One of the topics we discussed in M.P. was called “Family of Origin”. Your family of origin is, simply put, the family you grew up in. A basic example would be your parents and siblings, but many of us will also have a step-parent, a grandparent, or half- or step-siblings included in that picture. It is a simple concept that everyone can understand, but its effects are so far-reaching and interwoven into who you are and what you will become, that knowing about it can really empower you. Let me explain:
Over the course of our lives, we interact with many different systems. However, our family of origin – the first system we encounter – has the most pervasive influence on our emotional and physical development and future relationships. As we grow up, our parents teach us what’s good or bad, valued or worthless, important or unimportant. In many cases, we learn this from what our parents say and do. In other cases, we learn more indirectly, impacted by our family’s emotional atmosphere. (Dr. Tom Wooldridge)
So, as we grow into adults and try to navigate different relationships, the ideas and habits that were handed down to us come into play quite powerfully. Some of us grew up in very loving homes, with a mother and father who were quite adept at showing and receiving affection. That’s wonderful! Some of us grew up in homes where there was plenty of love, but it was expressed a little differently than what you’d find in a Hallmark commercial. That’s great too! What is important to keep in mind is how this affects what you expect in your relationships now. And if you grew up in a less than ideal family situation, recognize that you have the power to change those habits and ideas. You have the power to create the kind of family relationships you want.
Your family of origin probably also greatly affected your ideas and attitudes about you. For example, my father values logic and reason, and from him I learned that if I ever acted overly emotional or “like a girl” it would result in a disapproving look. And so I believed for a long time that to show too much passion or emotion about something was to act ridiculously. My mother is a saint. Kind and generous to everyone she meets. But she also uses a lot of self-deprecating humor. From her I got the idea that I probably couldn't go out and conquer the world, that dreaming and scheming is better left to the overly-confident/rich/well-connected types.
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| Here's to a BRIGHT future! |
Did I have loving and wonderful parents? YES. Did they do the best they knew how? I’m sure of it. So why am I being so critical of their parenting…? Because I realized as I got older, that in order to be happy, I needed successful relationships (which meant learning how to open up and express my emotions more) and I needed to dream and have success in my professional life (which meant gaining more confidence that a little-old-someone like me could actually rock that interview and land my dream job). I’m not being critical of my parents. I am thankful every day for the things they taught me and how much they loved me.
At the start of this new year I am resolving (sorry, that word just kind of snuck in there!) to take a good look at my past (with all of its imperfections and pre-conceived ideas) and CHANGE the parts I don’t want anymore. I am going to step into a more confident me, try it on for size, and move forward toward achieving my dreams.
Here’s to the New Year! And here’s to looking at our pasts, and gaining the power to change our futures!
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