Many people shudder when they hear the word "etiquette". For some reason, it promotes fear in the heart of every person aged fourteen through forty. Perhaps in our society, where we now enjoy the right to be casual and comfortable no matter what, this word is somehow dated and connotes rigidity.
Or maybe there are others of you (Downton Abbey and Jane Austen addicts alike) who find yourselves fascinated by the world of social customs that are stricter and more refined than our modern potluck-style, BYOB, show-up-whenever-you-want lifestyle. Maybe you dream of a time when young women still blushed and curtsied and men fought duels in defense of honor.
But no matter who you are, you probably find yourself thinking, "What use could anyone my age get out of old social customs that don't apply anymore? Why should I learn about etiquette?"
Well, I'm here to let you in on a little secret. Etiquette isn't just about which fork is for salad and which is for dessert, who should open doors for whom and under what circumstances, or about which side the server takes your plate from. Etiquette is not what you think it is. It is so much more.
Let me explain.
Etiquette and the rules of social conduct exist simply to make social situations more comfortable and less awkward. Yep. You heard me right. MORE comfortable, and LESS awkward. If they aren't working this way for you, then you're doing it wrong.
"Then why does all that stuff always seems so stiff and awkward?!" you're thinking right now.
Well, that's for a couple of reasons:
1) Many of us just don't know what the "rules" are.
I can probably safely say that I'll never be invited to a white-tie affair (Yes, "white-tie" is a thing. It's actually one step up from a "black-tie" event), so I'm not extremely worried about knowing who introduces whom to whom in what order, or whether my dress is required to have gloves if it also has sleeves, etc. But it's true that if I were going to attend the next presidential inauguration, then you better believe I would be busy brushing up on those things! There's no way I'm going to find myself sitting next to Beyonce at dinner, acting the fool! So, if you ever feel like you're in an uncomfortable social situation (and you can't blame it on the person dancing in the middle of the room with a lampshade on their head) think about whether or not it's because you don't quite know what to expect or how to behave. That might be your tip-off that if you had simply known a few rules of conduct, you would be having a marvelous time instead of feeling like a deer in the headlights. It's unfortunate, but because we (as a society) have become a little lazier about what our social norms and expectations are, we more easily create awkward situations for ourselves (and our guests, if we are hosting a gathering).
2) Many of us believe that the "rules" don't change. But they should, and they do.
As the above picture states, etiquette is behavior that is expected according to the norm of a certain society or group of people. So there are obviously different codes of conduct for different groups. I wouldn't expect anyone to act the same way at a bridal shower as they do on a duck hunt, or vice versa! It's also important to realize that just as different situations require different behaviors, so do different time periods. To put it bluntly, etiquette actually does account for modernity and the feminist movement! The underlying RULE of etiquette, the principle upon which it is all based, and the part of it that will never change, is that it should help people interact in an affable and comfortable way. It respects everyone and wants everyone to feel appreciated. That's it. In today's society, that will present itself a little differently than it did in the 1950s.
Etiquette in dating situations has changed enormously since the days of sock hops and beehive 'do's, but the underlying principle has remained unchanged. Treat your dates with respect and help them to feel comfortable. For some of us, this means allowing our date to open the car door for us, because we don't mind either way, and it helps him feel appreciated. If we fall into the category of "I most certainly do mind!" it's perfectly acceptable to communicate that to your date and not expect him to open your door. Hopefully his training in the world of etiquette will have taught him how to respect your wishes. There will be plenty of other opportunities for the two of you to show one another respect and care during a night of interesting conversation.
It's also important to note that it's easy to make people feel uncomfortable in the name of etiquette. And that is most definitely an etiquette no-no. One should never point out or criticize another's lack of or honest ignorance of some social custom. There are ways those things can be gently communicated, perhaps at a later date when it won't be embarrassing, but sitting in the car for an extended period of time, waiting for this thick-headed date of yours to open the door for you, is most definitely not the right way to help someone learn etiquette. So please be kind. That is the most polite and proper thing you can ever do, in any situation.
So, just remember, that if you're ever in doubt as to what the appropriate action is in a certain situation, think to yourself, "Will this help the people around me feel comfortable and appreciated?" And if the answer is yes . . . go for it!
See? This whole etiquette thing isn't so hard after all!
Pinkies up!
Just kidding. Please don't do that.
-Maranda
Etiquette in dating situations has changed enormously since the days of sock hops and beehive 'do's, but the underlying principle has remained unchanged. Treat your dates with respect and help them to feel comfortable. For some of us, this means allowing our date to open the car door for us, because we don't mind either way, and it helps him feel appreciated. If we fall into the category of "I most certainly do mind!" it's perfectly acceptable to communicate that to your date and not expect him to open your door. Hopefully his training in the world of etiquette will have taught him how to respect your wishes. There will be plenty of other opportunities for the two of you to show one another respect and care during a night of interesting conversation.
It's also important to note that it's easy to make people feel uncomfortable in the name of etiquette. And that is most definitely an etiquette no-no. One should never point out or criticize another's lack of or honest ignorance of some social custom. There are ways those things can be gently communicated, perhaps at a later date when it won't be embarrassing, but sitting in the car for an extended period of time, waiting for this thick-headed date of yours to open the door for you, is most definitely not the right way to help someone learn etiquette. So please be kind. That is the most polite and proper thing you can ever do, in any situation.
So, just remember, that if you're ever in doubt as to what the appropriate action is in a certain situation, think to yourself, "Will this help the people around me feel comfortable and appreciated?" And if the answer is yes . . . go for it!See? This whole etiquette thing isn't so hard after all!
Pinkies up!
Just kidding. Please don't do that.
-Maranda