A few weeks ago, a girl in one of my classes explained that when she did beauty pageants, her coaches would remind the girls, "If you aren't enough without the crown, you won't be enough with it." I loved this idea. I think a lot of times, we think that some outside force will complete us or bring us happiness. I’ve seen girls fall into this trap with things like weight loss, romantic relationships, even marriage.
During General Conference this October, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said something very similar in his talk "Of Regrets and Resolutions."
"Another regret of those who knew they were dying may be somewhat surprising. They wished they had let themselves be happier. So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial. The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don't really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our own happiness.
"We shouldn't wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. 'This is the day the Lord hath made,' the Psalmist wrote. 'Rejoice and be glad in it.'"x
The truth is that external factors do have an affect on our happiness and self-esteem. Winning a beauty pageant or any type of contest would be incredible. However, we have to make our personal joy independent. Here are some of the dangers with hoping that an achievement or any external factor will make us happy or complete.
1) There will always be something more.
Life doesn’t have nice clean resolutions. Even if you do meet your goal, something else will come up. How many times have you thought, “Once this midterm is over, I’ll be good,” and as soon as it’s over, you think, “Well, after this paper, I’ll be fine.” It’s the same in life. No matter how happy you are after a huge accomplishment, there will always be something else. And that’s okay. But you can’t sit and wait for the happiness.
2) It leaves you vulnerable.
If all your happiness and self-confidence comes from your fantastic job, what would happen if you got fired? If you build your happiness on an external factor that you can’t control, you’d be lost. In the past, I’ve had friends who were extremely insecure and unhappy. As a girl, one of my first instincts was to find them the perfect man, so that they would be loved and happy, but I know that if their confidence develops because of validation that comes from him, then if they broke up, she would feel even more lost.