My purpose for telling my story is because I hope someone out there who is struggling will realize they are not alone, eating disorders are a disease, and there is HOPE. Full recovery is possible, there is help out there and you deserve it.
My Life was a recipe for an Eating Disorder. 10 heaping cups of competitive gymnastics. 10 equally heaping cups of an abusive boyfriend. 5 cups being born with a perfectionist/independent personality. 2 cups moving schools a lot and finding acceptance in guys liking me. Another 10 cups of my parents tragically divorcing. And last but not least a tablespoon of being fed koolaid in my bottle when I was little. (I joke about this one, but really!)
Having an Eating Disorder may not be what you imagine. I remember before I had one what I thought of people with eating disorders. Those stupid stuck up models, I would never starve myself like that. In fact I remember saying that very thing at one time. Years later I found myself in the depths of an eating disorder. I've heard people say "I wish I had just a little bit of an Eating Disorder, then maybe I wouldn't eat so much." When I hear this I just think to myself you don't even know what you're saying.
Having an eating disorder is like being trapped inside of a suffocating, dark, lonely cage of self hatred. People who like themselves don't spend there days in isolation binging, purging, starving, counting, measuring, criticizing, obsessing, and hiding. There is usually a cause for such an unhealthy state of mind. It is different for everybody. For me it was mostly fueled by the abuse I went through. It only took 6 months for one guy to completely strip me of all of my self confidence and zest for life. I didn't even know what he was doing, but he did. I was never the same after that. My eating disorder was my way of coping with my self hate and disgust. It felt good to treat myself badly. It was mentally relieving to punish myself physically through purging/starving. My Eating Disorder escalated down hill very quickly when my parents got a divorce. All stability, my foundation, was ripped out from under me and at this point I didn't know how to live without my eating disorder for a coping mechanism.
I had tried over and over and over again to "never do it again" and I had failed over and over and over again. I became hopeless and gave in to my ED. I isolated myself from the world. I lost everything. I will spare you the depressing details. But definitely lowest point in my life and I am sure it will never get that low again. I know better now.
A turning point for me was when I was having a particularly depressing moment of honest realization about where my life was. I wanted to change, but I'd tried so many times and failed. Hope was dismal. Then, a feeling came into my heart that Jesus Christ knew exactly how I felt and he could help me. I felt that he cared about me and that I mattered to him. This changed my life and the next day I called my mom and we started looking for treatment.
I will admit it seemed too good to be true that I would get to go to treatment. But after a long wait and a lot of financial support from many loved ones who I am indebted and beyond grateful to I was admitted into The Center for Change. The first night I cried saying I wanted to go home. But I honestly had no home to go to. My Mom and Dad's places didn't feel like home and I had no life. So I stayed. The first week I sat in my therapist office crying more, and saying I was too fat to be there. Little did I know a lot of the girls think they are too fat to be there. I almost let that thought stop me from going to treatment. I never got so skinny that you would look at me and think I had an ED. In fact I looked pretty average (Although if you would have asked me back then I sincerely would have told you I felt obese) Truth is when I got to CFC their were girls of all shapes and sizes. Yes many were emaciated, but some were average or even overweight. And they weren't all models. There were your cowgirls, rebels, moms, athletes, tom boys, you name it. You really truly cannot put a face on an eating disorder. You cannot always tell if someone has one just by looking at them. So please don't let feeling too fat stop you from getting treatment. I felt like that and so did many other girls I went to treatment with. ED's are about so much more than weight and food.
I came back to life at the Center! I re got to know myself. A new and improved version of myself. For the first time I didn't like or dislike myself for my accomplishments and achievements. I just liked me because I am me, and that is enough. For the first time I wasn't looking to someone else (boys/peers) or something else (# on the scale/gymnastics) for approval. I had self approval. Separate from what anyone else thought of me I liked myself and my body. I learned to appreciate my body for being the vehicle of my spirit. I learned to focus on my spirit instead of my body. I learned I didn't have to please everybody.
The whole time I fought for my life I did it for my future family. You have to have a vision of exactly what you're fighting for and never let go of it. When times get tough cling to that vision and never give up. Create a vision and believe in it. In recovery this is what will help you white knuckle it. And trust me, there will be white knuckling it. Recovery a hard, sweaty, teary, yet REWARDING growth PROCESS. So you're going to have to know exactly what you're fighting for. It's different for everyone, for me it was my future family. I have just always wanted to be a mommy with little chillins runnin around. After my parents divorced and I lost that homey-family feeling it made me just want my own family even more. So when recovery got seemingly impossible I held on to that thought of being a wife and mommy. I never gave up for them, and for me. I will admit at times it felt too good to be true to have my own family one day. But I never gave up.
It was so worth it. I am now a wife and a mommy and it still feels too good to be true. But it's true. I can't believe where my life is today in comparison to six years ago. When you do your best the lord carries you, teaches you, and blesses you. I just had my first little girl a month ago. When I look at her I think how amazing our bodies are. She grew inside of me and now there's a human being who didn't exist on earth just a month ago.
I also think what if I didn't do it. What if I gave up. Look at these blessings I wouldn't have. THIS is so much better than ED. If I had given up, if I hadn't have pushed through those tough moments, months, years, I wouldn't have HER. I wouldn't have my FAMILY. That thought rips my heart out. But I do have them, I live for them. I AM RECOVERED. Life is sweet. I am so so grateful to myself for never giving up. Fall down seven times stand up eight. All you have to do is get up one more time than you fall down.
Never, never, never give up. Feed yourself spiritually everyday, you can't do it by yourself. Be kind to yourself. Take it one step at a time. Full recovery is absolutely possible. There is hope in Jesus Christ. For overcoming all things, he is the way.
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