That awkward moment when you’re not sure if it’s a date or not . . . and the plethora of
problems that creates.
You’d think the solution would be pretty simple. Guys, this is one time when it’s okay
to say the d-word. Girls, don’t freak out about accepting the d-word. Both, remember a date is
not a marriage proposal. So why does everyone and their dog (OK, so that’s a figure of speech.
Most of us here at Brigham Young University (BYU) can’t own dogs where we live, but perhaps
if we did it would help relieve the stress this issue causes!) still have this problem? Using the
word date should not carry the drama it is often given, yet it is a very important word to use for
the sake of any kind of relationship, romantic or friendly. What is this giant stigma around a little
four-letter word? Why does a d-a-t-e matter so much?
First, there is a different set of expectations once the d-bomb is dropped. A date is simply
not the same situation as a hang out. People differ on what they feel those expectations are, but
let me elaborate on some I hope are universally agreeable. On “hang outs” both people generally
feel they have the equal right to make suggestions as to what to fill the time with, and often the
plans are fairly fluid. On a hang out, girls don’t think twice about opening their own car doors. If
someone invites you to a party to hang out, it oftentimes can be acceptable to both invite friends
and create a posse to run around with for the night.
On a date, it is understood that the person who asked should take care of the where,
when, and how of the date (including any expenses involved) and out of respect the other person
graciously complies. Elder Dallin H. Oaks described this as the “Three P’s” of dating: planned
for, paid for, and paired off. This implies a certain respect and awareness of each other’s specific
time and energy. Along with such respect, on a date women often allow, and men often take the
time, to be attentive and open the girl’s car door. If an event is clearly a date, it is understood by
both that even if it’s a big function, such as a party, inviting friends is not very appropriate. Now
that we have established some expectation differences between dating and hanging out, let’s
discuss where the most confusion lies: what does going on a date mean for a relationship?
There’s a just-getting-to-know-you date, a fun-friend-group date, fun-friend date, need-
to-have-a-DTR(define the relationship)-soon date, and a we-are-dating date. Speaking of, let’s
sharpen the lines between “date” and “dating.” It’s interesting how an issue stems from adding
three letters! “Dating” a person is often meant as courting rather than going on consecutive dates, and yet
because of the common root word of dating and date, people often associate them more closely
than is comfortable. If you’ve ever gone on a few convenience dates with the same strictly good
friend, you understand what I mean. There is no win-win way to respond to, “Sooo, are you guys
dating?!” if the person asking is convinced you two would be perfect together. This is where I’ll
admit dating can get incredibly uncomfortable, but that discomfort could be significantly reduced
if we could eliminate one thing: fear of miscommunication.
Think about it. It’s harder to say, “I went on a date with him/her, and now he/she friend
zoned me,” than, “We’ve hung out a few times, but I think he/she just wants to be friends.” But
wait, look at this perspective! If a guy just keeps asking a girl to “hang out,” she is far more
likely to friend zone him. Picture this, ladies: you are interested in someone who you hang out
with consistently but hasn’t asked you out on an official date yet. Another handsome man comes
along who does use The Word. Who are you going to have more respect for? Who are you going
to want to put more effort into building a romantic relationship with?
Guys also sometimes worry that if they ask a girl on a date, by the end of the night she’ll
have their wedding planned. She very well may, but the reality is she probably started thinking
about it from the second she decided she liked him, so a date or not probably won’t make a big
difference. Pressure invalid!
A fear I also hear from guys is that if they ask a girl out, they’re not sure about really
liking, they feel they might somehow owe her an explanation if they don’t want to ask her out
again. It could be necessary to avoid getting in the world-wide female black book! Here’s a
secret—you don’t. After four or five dates? Maybe. But your other options are (1) just not asking
her out again, and (2) if someone does ask, you can say, “She was nice, but I’m not interested in
dating her anymore.” No explanation needed!
Guys are not the only ones I’m asking some patterned behavioral changes from!
Girls, I also know we have some fears about communicating once the d-word is on the table.
It’s easier to consistently turn down a guy asking you to hang out than point-blank turn down a
date. We also feel like we owe the guy an explanation if we don’t want to accept a second date.
(See the above paragraph for how to deal with that.) Sometimes, we also don’t want to accept a
date from someone we’ve friend zoned for fear that by the end of it we’ll get proposed to. While
this is not unheard of on BYU campus, chances are good it won’t happen. If it does, it turns into
Exhibit A of how dating can make for some pretty entertaining stories!
Even if you do accept a date, there are still ways to convey that you want to keep the
relationship casual. While the guy is (hopefully) planning the date, you have a right to ask whether
it’s a group date or somewhere public. It is uncomfortable to avoid a guy trying to hold your
hand, but if he can’t handle the momentary ego dip, is he really someone whose opinion you care
about? On the other hand if you are trying to encourage a guy friend to kick your relationship up
one (small) notch, a great tip is if he asks you to do something that looks suspiciously like a date
but he’s calling it a hangout, casually use the word “date” when discussing it with him at some
point. “I’m excited for our date!” “That was a fun date, thank you!” This is a gentle way to let
him know your expectations.
Now let’s not kid ourselves; girls know we aren’t the only ones talking about the opposite
gender. We know we get different reputations in your friend groups. Newsflash: Girls, if a man,
or anyone else, says something funny and you don’t think it is, you don’t have to laugh. If a guy
asks you out on a date and you are truly uncomfortable, you don’t have to say yes. If a guy tries
to hold your hand and kiss you and you’re not ready, you don’t have to let him! It’s not fair.
Dating is about the heart, and nobody like a faker. Ultimately girls, I’ve noticed we can sacrifice
a long-term good, respectable reputation as “dateable” in the attempt of trying to avoid short-
term awkwardness. I promise you, no guy will hold it against you for not leading a fellow bro on.
And yes, I’ve asked the bros. Elder Oaks sums it up wonderfully:
Simple and more frequent dates allow both men and women to ‘shop around’ in
a way that allows extensive evaluation of the prospects. The old-fashioned date
was a wonderful way to get acquainted with a member of the opposite sex. It
encouraged conversation. It allowed you to see how you treat others and how you
are treated in a one-on-one situation. It gave opportunities to learn how to initiate
and sustain a mature relationship. None of that happens in hanging out.
There are significant short- and long-term benefits to asking people on dates instead of
constantly hanging out, and through your clear communication you can minimize any
awkwardness that may occur. Even then, awkward situations can end up giving you the best
laughs down the road! Dating is supposed to be fun, and you don’t have to let the social pressure
mistakenly associated with the word “date” take that enjoyment away. But here’s the best reason,
in my opinion, to make an event an official date;
isn’t it just fun to say, “I have a date”?
(And I know I know, we're all sick of hearing about Valentine's Day. . . but I thought this was pretty funny!)