In the heart of Orange County, there is a large and popular evangelical Christian church that holds a class for its congregants called "How to Talk to Your Mormon Neighbors." I know this because I knocked on the doors of all the people who had been to this class when I was a missionary.
Today, I present "How to Talk to Your Older Single Mormon Friend: A Guide to Not Being Annoying," a follow-up of sorts to my previous post about being single.
First, Some Things NOT to Say
I know you mean well when you say all these things, but that doesn't mean you should say them. Let's all keep Thumper in mind here.
1. Why aren't you married yet?
Really?
Really?
If you keep asking this me question, I am going to start saying things like, "Because I hate happiness and the Family Proclamation. And people. And families. And babies." Or, "Why aren't you pregnant?"
In all seriousness, there likely isn't any discernible reason why you are married and your single friend is not. If there is a reason, they are probably more aware of it than you are. You don't need to fix them and--here's the real kicker--you're not capable of fixing them. Real, lasting change comes only from God. So love them instead of focusing on their problems.
Even when you mean this question as a compliment, it still hurts.
2. You know, when you decide you're ready to give up the perks of single life, it just happens.
I wish I'd thought of this myself, but I guess I was too busy being selfish!
3. You're just too intimidating to all those boys and/or too good for all those girls.
This statement is endlessly frustrating to me for reasons that would require a blog of their own.
4. Are you dating anyone?
If I was and if you were on the list of people I wanted to talk to about that subject, you'd already know. I know this question seems innocuous and if we're close friends, I probably don't mind you asking. But generally, it gets old to hear this one all the time.
5. Being married is SO MUCH BETTER than being single.
Good for you? How would you like me to respond to this?
6. Don't worry. It'll happen for you someday.
Do I look worried to you? Or are you just worried for me?
7. Boys (or girls, as the case may be) are dumb.
All 3.5 billion of them? This is a very unhelpful statement and hardly likely to lift anyone's spirits.
8. If you would just [insert incredibly unhelpful dating advice here], you'd be married so quickly!
When we want advice from the one-year period you were part of the dating game, we will ask for it. Wait to be asked.
9. You're so lucky you're single. Being married is so hard. (Or, alternatively, having kids is so hard.)
I believe you when you say having kids is so hard. It looks really hard when I watch you wrestling your wild children in the grocery store. I do not envy you in those moments. 'Cause I can tell in that moment that your day is far worse than mine. I get it. I'm the one giving you an encouraging smile and telling you not to worry about it as I pass you with my cart.
I'm the one who wants to listen to you complain about how being married is boring, or how weird your kid's poop was yesterday, or how hard breastfeeding is. No, really, I want to listen. I feel bad for you. I really do. And I respect you for living the family life. It's hard. Harder than I likely know. I believe you.
But can you leave out the "you're so lucky" part? Because I would give up the trips to Europe to have a baby that is mine puking on me. I'd give them up in a second. When you tell me how lucky I am in comparison to your life, it feels akin to telling an ungrateful adolescent that they should just wait until real life starts. It suggests my life is somehow trial-free or pre-adult. It's not. So let's listen to each other, okay? We're on the same team.
Now, What You Should Say
1. How is your life? School? Your job?
I love it when people ask me about things that are actually part of my life.
2. What books have you read recently? What movies have you seen? What do you think about such-and-such major event in the news?
Yeah, there are other subjects to talk about than dating and marriage.
3. Can I ask for your advice about something? Can I ask for your help with [whatever]?
Single people do have life experiences that may be somehow relevant to you. We are actual adults. We might be able to help, and we want to help. We'll babysit your kids. We'll bring something to your potluck. We want to feel needed instead of out-of-place.
4. Here is what is happening with my husband/wife and my kids and my job and my school.
Yes, I want to know about your life!
5. Can I see pictures of your nieces and nephews?
Okay, so not every single person will necessarily care about this one, but since you asked so nicely, here you go:
I know, right? Adorable, or what? And this is an old picture. You should see them now, and the three others. Ask me next time you see me. I have dozens of photos on my phone.
Adorable offspring of siblings aside, you should talk to your single friend the same way you talk to any of your other friends. Your single friend is a person with highs and lows, ups and downs, and a life and a personality and strengths and weaknesses--just like everybody else.
Their lives are about much more than their marital status, so your relationship with them should be about more than that too.
***written by Meridith at http://meridithwrites.blogspot.com*** ADSENSE HERE