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| My mom and me |
*Author's Note: It's a long one today! Once I started writing I realized I had some passionate feelings about the topic, and they all came out right here. I hope you will read to the end!
**Another Author's Note: For the sake of a productive discussion, I am not going to dwell on those families which require a working mother. I think most of us agree that in some cases a woman does not have much of a choice. My focus here is on those women who do have a choice.
Today I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and part of the story related directly to a close friend's request for a blog post about working mothers and stay-at-home moms. I won't bore you with all the gory details of the show, but in this episode one main character struggles to balance life as a surgeon with life as a mother. Every time she gets to hold her daughter, she's called into surgery. Every time she comes out of surgery, she has to track her daughter down and find out who's watching her. Then the cycle begins again.
There's one scene, when she drops her daughter off at a friend's house (so she can go back to the hospital), and she gets this regretful look in her eyes. But the friend says sharply, "No! Don't do that! Let her see you work! Let her see you achieve!"
Throughout the show, I found myself reflecting on the virtues of both motherhood and work outside the home. Some people in the world look down on women who choose to stay at home; others criticize women who seek to establish their own careers. It seems you cannot make a choice without facing severe disapproval from at least one side.
The LDS faith teaches that motherhood is a divine calling. I definitely believe this; however, I do not believe the matter is as simple as many would have us think.
I have recently encountered a number of people who—in the name of staunchly defending family values—suggest that any woman who aspires to anything more than motherhood does not truly understand her role in God's plan. Now, I understand the viewpoint that marriage and family are the be-all and end-all pursuits of the Gospel. I agree that we should each strive to form our own families and should not devalue motherhood as a sacred work.
Yet I take issue with the condemnation of any woman who aspires to do more in life than be a mother. I have often heard the argument that there is no pursuit more honorable than motherhood and thus, we cannot possibly aspire to more than that. I see three clear problems with using this argument against women who seek careers:
- That argument disregards the validity of a woman's longings for achievement and recognition. Yes, you may say that motherhood is a huge achievement, and I totally agree. Mothers are awesome! But how much recognition do we actually give to these women? Does motherhood always feel rewarding? Does successful parenting receive the same publicity and attention that other careers do? If we're honest, the answer is probably no. So it's understandable that many women feel inclined to seek that recognition elsewhere.
- My desire to be a mother does not automatically negate any other passion or desire I hold in life. We all have things we love to do; I love to write and edit literature. I aim to do it professionally one day. Luckily, that's one skill that can be adapted to a freelance career without much trouble. Working from home, in between other parenting duties, will not be impossible. Other women—those who wish to practice medicine or teach history, for example—do not always have it so easy. Are we really so terrible for enjoying things and wanting to do them on a daily basis? Even if you believe a woman should only ever be a stay-at-home mom and never work outside the home, you cannot blame her for having more desires than that of motherhood.
- An argument like that also devalues women who are trying their best to reach a final goal of marriage and motherhood, but have been unlucky in love or are unable to have children. A stay-at-home mom, while certainly admirable, ranks no higher in the mind of our Heavenly Father than a wife who just can't seem to get pregnant or a single woman working to support herself. By knocking down career-seeking women, we are also knocking down these women who want nothing more than to devote themselves to a family. To be honest, although I understand the mostly good intentions of people who say these things, I myself have felt that sting. Sure, I'm only twenty-one. But in the LDS culture, there is a lot of pressure to get married and start a family as soon as possible. I haven't had that opportunity; I'm looking into grad school instead of looking at rings. I'm nurturing a career instead of nurturing a child. And I sometimes feel lower on the hierarchy in our family-oriented faith. Not because that's how God feels, but because it's how others make me feel.
If I have the chance to become a mother someday, I will probably follow my own mother's pattern. She worked through a lot of my upbringing, but she was always home when I returned from school, and I knew I could count on that. I could see how hard she worked (at her job and at home and at her callings) and I admired her for it. I still do. I appreciate that she pursued her interests while helping to support the family; on top of that, she cooked dinner every night! For me, an arrangement like that seems like the ideal model.
However, plenty of people would disagree. I have friends whose situations differed, and it worked well for their families. Maybe a woman wants to work more hours. Maybe her husband loves to cook and she doesn't. Or maybe she wants to spend most of her time at home and as little time as possible working in an office. So be it!
Do what keeps you sane as long as you are providing your children with the attention and care they need. Be less judgmental of those in different circumstances. Focus not on others but on you and your own situation. How can you make your family a priority while also pursuing personal goals and interests? The answer will vary depending on your personality, your economic situation, and other factors. And that's okay!
Kelsey Allan is a senior studying English and editing.
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Kelsey Allan is a senior studying English and editing.