Being pregnant for the second time, only eighteen months after having triplets, I experienced several awkward conversations where people flat out told me I was crazy for having another child or reminded me of the importance of birth control. It has been interesting to realize that is how people perceive me now, especially because I still think of myself as infertile. Both infertility and motherhood are part of my identity because they are not mutually exclusive, and there are different paths to motherhood. Both infertility and motherhood have made me a better person, and when I reflect on it, here are a few things I have learned about motherhood after infertility:1 – You never get over it.
I really hoped that having a child would make me feel differently about infertility, but no—I still think it is a horrible and unfair experience. Even though infertility taught me to go beyond having faith in an outcome to having real faith, the hopelessness and sadness of infertility are still a shadow in my life reminding me of what I lost and of what I gained. Not a day goes by without me thinking about it. I spent both my pregnancies trying to be cautiously optimistic, but I was actually completely afraid the whole time. Infertility created such uncertainty and lack of trust in positive outcomes that it was overwhelming at times. On the positive side, the presence of that shadow makes me treasure and enjoy every moment I have with my kids. Ultimately, knowing the misery of infertility and childlessness intensifies the happiness I experience in motherhood.
2 – Your social support is gone.
One of the main problems of being infertile is the lack of social support. It made me so socially isolated that I decided to start an infertility support group. Meeting those women and nourishing their friendship kept me sane, but when I got pregnant, all of a sudden I was not one of them anymore because I was pregnant and they were not. Infertility had caused great friendships to deteriorate, and I was surprised that motherhood did the same. I found myself being forced out of yet another social group and I was unable to return to old friendships or join the happy sisterhood of moms-to-be. Most of the friendships I had before infertility had not been properly nourished because I skipped their baby showers and I was too hurt to be around their babies. And the friends I had been able to maintain were too overwhelmed caring for their own children to support me in what I was going through. While I shared the pregnant look with other women, talking to them made it obvious how different infertility had made me. They were complaining about the discomforts of pregnancy and planning nursery decorations, while I was watching closely for pregnancy complications and actively advocating for infertility treatment rights. Only now that the triplets are two years old am I starting to successfully build friendships again.
3 – The joys of motherhood.
I have heard many people say, “You can’t understand parenthood until you’re a parent,” but for me motherhood is exactly everything I thought it would be. Every day is filled with amazement at my children’s development. Sleep deprivation is brutal and it makes me cranky. Seeing my children smile melts my heart. The burden of discipline is on me. Snuggle time with my baby is the best thing in the world. There is no free time. I feel lucky that my family has grown. And I could go on and on . . . but in summary, motherhood is a challenging and happy experience while infertility is a challenging and painful experience. It does not matter how difficult—I find motherhood to be better than infertility.
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