They tell you that on the most important day of your life you should look as good as you possibly can. “These pictures are forever!” they say and then they give you a big grin and walk away. I can’t tell you how many times I was asked if I was able to eat something in the months leading up to my wedding. They didn’t even ask if I was on a diet . . . they just assumed because, well, everyone is. So I guess I really blew some minds when I replied, “Oh, actually, I’m not dieting for my wedding.” I had mixed responses that included the following:
- Oh good for you girl! I’m not that brave (um, thank you?)
- Oh . . . why not? (very tactful)
- Don’t you think you should? (after a literal audible gasp)
So why would I make this crazy decision?
When I was seventeen I started competing in the Miss California division of Miss America. That’s right, beauty pageants. We’re talking full-blown, too much makeup for one human, six-inch heels, walking coaches, swimsuit butt glue, and dieting and dieting and dieting. For six years I competed on and off. For six years it was a back-and-forth hell of restricting everything I wanted for several months, competing, and then going crazy because I had been restricted, gaining back all the weight and hating myself the next time I wanted to compete. It was terrible. The worst part was convincing myself that I was competing because I needed the scholarship money and not because I liked wearing beautiful clothing and being in the spotlight. Even worse? I think I liked having an excuse to restrict my eating. I didn’t have to hide anything! Disordered eating was under the guise of a competition diet.
It is so hard to be in this world as a woman with everyone shouting at you, “Five more pounds to go!” and “Only lean meats!” At one point I think I actually googled "recipes with no fat, no carbs, no sodium, no sugar." Living in a no, No, NO world for me was terrible. I hated myself, and I hated everyone else around me. Not dieting on the most important day of my life was the second-best decision I made to prepare for that day (after saying yes to my sweetheart, of course). I went into marriage knowing my new husband loved me for me, and that whatever size my clothing reported, I was enough.
It sounds crazy, but I am grateful for the things pageants taught me: I’m more comfortable in public settings, I love interviews, I’m much more honest in my opinion because I can state it diplomatically, and I made some pretty amazing lifelong friends. My hope is to take the good I learned and use it with a new image of myself. Not a perfect image, but a confident one who helps people and loves unconditionally. Everyone deserves to look at themselves in their internal mirror and be enough. It took me not dieting for my wedding.
So the question is . . .
What did/will it take for you?