Two weeks ago, we posted a poll asking whether you receive more body shaming or weight shaming comments from men or women. Well, the results are in:
63% receive more body shaming comments from OTHER WOMEN
22% receive body shaming comments from BOTH MEN AND WOMEN
6% receive more body shaming comments from MEN
9% reporting not receiving body shaming comments
Body shaming is defined as inappropriate negative comments and attitudes towards another person's weight or size. Our culture, in general, has a very negative attitude about women's bodies unless they fit a very specific stereotype. Because we are so immersed in our culture, we oftentimes internalize these negative messages about our bodies without realizing it and then we begin to self-discriminate and discriminate against other women based on their size, shape, or weight. It is such an embedded feature of feminine culture that we don't really notice it until someone points it out. When was the last time that you looked in the mirror and body shamed yourself? Or last time you were spending time with female friends and someone made a negative comment about their own body or someone else's body? Or the last time someone "gently" suggested to you that you should hit the gym more often or eat less? Not that long ago? You're not alone.
After 27.5 years of life, dozens of female relatives, 21 female roommates, hundreds of female clients, and countless female friends and acquaintances, I have yet to find a group of women that doesn't struggle, at some level, with a culture of body shaming. Our poll means that 85% of women received body shaming comments from other women. Why do we do it, ladies? When we know how hard it is to live in a culture where a woman's worth is defined by the size of her jeans, why do pass on the poison to other women, oftentimes to the women we love the most?
It's time to take a stand. It's time to stop the body shaming and embrace our bodies for what they are: precious, sacred gifts from our Father in Heaven. But we can't do it alone. I challenge you, right here, today, to commit to changing the female culture within your sphere of influence. Promise yourself that you will refrain from body shaming comments towards yourself and others. Develop the courage it takes to speak up when a woman you love body shames herself or someone else. Talk to the women in your life about how you can all work together to turn body shame into love and appreciation for your miraculous body.
Here are a few tips on how to do it:
- Squash Gossip—Avoid gossiping about other women with your friends. When you are disparaging other women, it's easy to slip into disparaging the way they look; how they looked in that Facebook picture, or how much weight they gained/lost. If someone starts to gossip, speak up, change the subject, or simply choose to leave the conversation.
- Be Aware of Your Social Circle—If you surround yourself with body shamers, you are more likely to get stuck in that vicious cycle, too. Find positive friends and reach out to friends that struggle. We all have that one friend that is obsessed with her appearance; the girl who always makes a negative comment when she looks in the mirror, who constantly talks about dieting, and who bemoans her back-fat, neck-fat, elbow-fat, whatever-fat. Heck, maybe we have lots of friends like that. Instead of brushing it off or joining in with her to moan about your ear-fat, encourage her to see herself in a different light. If she is really struggling, encourage her to go to a counselor. Severe body shaming can be a sign of an eating disorder, so be a support for her to find help.
- Be a Builder, Not a Bully—I don't know if you've noticed, but body shaming is just a really specific form of bullying. Remember how you felt when you were bullied in middle school? It sucked, didn't it? Well, stop bullying yourself and others by body shaming. Instead, go about trying to build and lift other women up. Do you like that skirt your friend is wearing? Say so. Do you appreciate how your best friends eyes sparkle when she laughs? Tell her! Just do it. Start a culture of complements instead of criticism.
- There is No "Right" Body—The same way that curvy girls hate hearing about how they should be super skinny to be acceptable, girls who are naturally thin hate hearing that "real women have curves" or "someone needs to go eat a hamburger." There is no such thing as the perfect body. All bodies are beautiful! It's our job to take care of our bodies, accept that everyone has genetic influences when it comes to body size and shape, and to celebrate our uniqueness.
- Stop Being a Weight Loss Cheerleader—Notice that someone has lost weight? Keep your lips zipped. Don't gush on and on about how great they look after dropping a couple of pounds. In my work with women who have eating disorders, this was just the validation they were looking for to justify their incredibly unhealthy eating and dieting behaviors. You never know what lengths someone went to in order to drop the weight. Whenever someone does this, it implies that the person didn't look great before they lost weight. If they talk about healthy behaviors, celebrate them for taking care of their body in healthy ways, not just on the results.
- Learn More About Eating Disorders—Take a good look around at the women you love. Odds are, at least one of them has an eating disorder or is in recovery from an eating disorder. A body shaming culture can be severely damaging to those who struggle with eating disorders. The more educated you are about EDs, the better support you can be to those in your life who face this demon.
- There Is No Such Thing as Good Foods and Bad Foods—No, you are not "bad" if you had a couple pieces of pizza or delighted in that chocolate ice cream. And you are not "good" or "bad" for avoiding or indulging in a specific kind of food. Classifying foods as "good" or "bad" is a dangerous way to view food and it can lead to restricting and binging. If you maintain a balanced diet, there is nothing wrong with treating yourself to your favorite sweet or treat.
- THROW AWAY YOUR "SKINNY" JEANS—Do you have a pair of jeans someone in the depths of your closet or drawers that are too small for the size you are now? Do you buy clothes in a size smaller to give yourself an "incentive" to lose the weight? Stop it. Donate them. Throw them away. Light them on fire. I don't care what you have to do, just get rid of them. Dress your body for the size that you are, don't put off buying cute clothes until you lose weight, encourage family members and friends that you shop with to embrace their body and buy what fits, not what number they want to fit into.
- Stop Putting Off Your Life—Don't wait to go to the beach until you feel like a VS model in a bathing suit. Don't avoid the dating scene until you think you are skinny enough. Don't wait to buy that adorable dress until you can fit into a different size. In other words, stop putting off your life because you feel ashamed of the way your body is now. Embrace who you are. Embrace how you look. Or just stop caring so much about it all (I know, I know, easier said than done). We waste so much energy chasing after the perfect body, convinced that it will make us happier and make our lives better that we deny ourselves the ability to CHOOSE happiness today.