Due to the recent Steubenville, Ohio rape case that has been in the news, we in our office have been having many in depth conversations about sexual violence. Throughout our exploration of the topic, we have found that there is a whole lot of grey area that is misunderstood and not talked about often . Sexual violence is a very complex topic, yet we in our office feel that sometimes issues of this nature become way too simplified. Just like all other types of violence, there is a spectrum, or a continuum of harm. I would like to have a discussion about the continuum of sexual harm. We all know that a strange man raping a woman in a dark ally is bad. We also know that a man and woman in a loving relationship consenting to sexual intimacy is good, but what exactly does consent look like? Take a look at this iconic American Photo.
So how often is this shady stuff happening here in Utah? More than you may know or think. Here are some direct quotes we have received from anonymous students here at BYU:
- "Is it rape when you’re romantically involved with a person who keeps pushing you to do more than you want to? Is it rape when you give in to something seemingly less harmful to avoid something worse?"
- "What about a girl who reluctantly gives in to her partner because she doesn’t want to cause problems? Who’s to blame, the girl who doesn’t speak up, or the guy who doesn’t pay enough attention to her body language?"
- “After spending seven years in the Provo culture I was never raped, but I certainly went further than perhaps I would have if I had had more respect for myself, more understanding that men should not be putting pressure on me and that by saying no I am strong not weak. Rape and sexual violence are problems at BYU."
These students bring up the important issue of power dynamics. Many people wonder about the consent piece. If someone does not say no out loud, does that mean it is okay to kiss them or do much more than that? Here is an example I heard the other day being discussed by two people. A man wanted to have sex with his wife, so he pursued that (I don't know what that looked like). He then reported that his wife was crying and she was visibly in pain, but he did not stop because she did not "tell" him to. I think it is important to add, that the man is very large physically, maybe around 300 lbs. In my mind, there is no question that this was rape, but the people discussing it weren't sure, and I am sure it seems fuzzy to many people. In the Steubenville rape case, the girl was unable to verbally consent to sexual activity and the court did favor the prosecution, indeed it was rape. But, what about girls who are able to speak up? Many of you may be thinking, If a woman doesn't want to be physical with a man, why doesn't she just say no? I thought of an example from a different context that may help illustrate why women don't always speak up in these situations.
Current research has found that women may make less money than men in some cases because they do not ask for raises. Now why wouldn't women ask for a raise? Most likely, for the same reason they don't tell a man no when he is making a sexual advance. It all comes down to power. Men have learned that when they say something it is listened to and when they ask for something, they will most likely get it. Women on the other hand have received the message that when they speak they may be disregarded and in some situations asking for something may do no good. The simple fact of the matter is that a woman's "NO" does not mean as the same as a man's. My question for you is, why does she have to say no? As a woman, why isn't my silence considered a lack of consent? Why do I have to verbally object in order to "not consent"?
So here is a real-life example of why some women don't speak up or if they do, why it may not matter. A woman recently shared a personal account with me about an encounter she had with a man here on campus.
"I was asked to come to a guy's house to hang out with some people. When I got there, no one was there except him and I thought, hmm that's a little weird, maybe no one else could make it. So we played some games and had fun. After the last game we played, I noticed it was getting late so I told this guy that I should be going home (he gave her a ride). He went on with what he was doing as if he didn't hear me. After a few minutes, I again said that it was late and I should go home. He laughed at me and mimicked what I had said in a sarcastic voice, as if I was joking or something about wanting to leave. He then leaned in to kiss me. I put my hand between him and I and said "Stop! Take me home right now." After this he actually heard me. He drove me home and it was an awkward ride in the car."
So why did it take this woman 3 times repeating herself to be heard?Are all men malicious power-hungry domineering men? NO!!! Power and privilege are tricky things. When you have it, you can be unaware of how it benefits you or how it influences the impact you have on others. When you don't have power or privilege, you are keenly aware of how this disadvantages you. I believe that most people are good intentioned and don't want to hurt or disadvantage others most of the time. I think that in these intimate or sexual situations that are fueled by hormonal and physiological responses, it is very hard to use your brain and think about the power dynamics. Many men would probably feel bad if they knew that a girl they were kissing (or doing other things with) didn't want to, but felt she couldn't object. This is where the culture could change among good men. If men can recognize their power and how it influences sexual intimacy, they can make it safer for women. A simple, "May I kiss you?" or "Do you feel comfortable with this?" can make a woman feel so safe and empowered. This translates across all relationships from a first date to 50 years of marriage. Relationship status does not negate the fact that women should be in control of their own bodies.
Now, if any of you are getting defensive after reading this, I encourage you to do a self-check and really examine your privilege. I talked to a gentleman about this last week who got defensive and said, "Women push themselves onto men too." He is absolutely right, women do these things too. BUT, the fact of the matter is men still have more power in a situation where a woman is making advances. Most often, a man has the physical size and strength to push a woman off of him if she isn't listening to his verbal cues. As a woman, I am small and not very strong. If someone larger than me wanted to take full advantage of me, there isn't much I could do to stop it.
In conclusion, this post is meant to be a conversation starter. We would LOVE to hear all of your reactions and opinions! Some of you may agree or object. We want to hear it all! Please take a minute to comment! :)Thank you for following our blog!
